This one is for all of the take-out addicts, the agoraphobics, the horny but lazy out there: Thanks to the recent proliferation of apps and dating sites, you can now plan and execute an entire date without ever leaving your house.
That’s right, folks, the day has finally come where everything from a compatible single to cleaning house to making dinner can be delivered by app right to your doorstep. The only thing you have to do yourself? Take a damn shower.
Let’s start with your companion.
For this one, I’m going to have to suggest you hop onto HowAboutWe. Now, I know you’re thinking, “Emma, please. I’m lazy as fuck. I’m planning an entire date that doesn’t require me to leave my house. The left/right swipe of Tinder is just about all I can handle.”
Bear with me, you bum. Tinder and other apps like it may be good for hookups but we’re talking about a date here. HowAboutWe is the perfect site because it allows you to suggest an activity and then matches you based on a person’s interest in that activity. All you have to do is a write something slightly witty about how you’re doing an experiment and trying to execute an entire date without leaving your house.
Or, if you want to be a little creepier, spin it as a “romantic night in.” Let me know how that one goes, okay?
Romance it up.
If you want your date to feel extra special before she shows up, order up some flowers on Bloom to be delivered earlier in the day. Their gorgeous bouquets forgo the traditional tissue paper for rustic, hipster-friendly burlap and are delivered by bike in the San Francisco Bay Area. Your date will be impressed by your trendy take on the traditional courting gesture and it has a low carbon footprint.
At $35, they’re not the cheapest but they’re guaranteed to reduce some of the creep factor that is unavoidable when you invite someone you’ve never met IRL to your house for a first date.
Get your house right.
This is one you should actually need to do the day before the date: spiff up your apartment. Keep in mind that if this experiment is going to succeed, your apartments needs to not look like it’s rented by someone who would arrange an entire date without stepping out the door.
If you have some cash to burn (or are just really bad at cleaning), it’s time to reach out to Handybook. You can book a professional cleaner who has been background-checked and is insured in 60 seconds. They’ll come make your house spotless the next day, while you’re waiting for your (very brave) date to show up.
And while you’re at it…
Pick out your favorite date night outfit and get Washio to come pick it up, wash it and press it for you. They’re also a “day before service” so you’ll have to plan at least a little bit ahead. Think you can handle it?
Now for the main course.
For those of you who are particularly skilled in the kitchen but just can’t be fucked to go to the grocery store, there’s Plated, a service that will deliver chef-designed recipes and the ingredients to whip up a gourmet meal. You’re guaranteed to create something that will have your date wondering whether you went to culinary school and how she can score a second date.
But if cooking isn’t your forte, there’s always Munchery, which will deliver a fully cooked handmade meal right to your door. They use local, sustainable, and organic ingredients to create meals that are delivered to your door that night.
All you have to do is warm it up and pass it off as your own. Don’t worry, they won’t tell.
And the most important part: The booze.
No first date is complete without plenty of alcohol to ease the inevitable awkwardness. Considering the fact that this first date is guaranteed to be even more awkward than most, you’re going to need to stock up.
Rewinery will not only hand-pick your wine, they’ll also deliver it to your doorstep within the hour. I recommend a minimum of two bottles, with a third in the “just in case” category because, let’s be real: you can never have too much wine. Actually, make that four bottles. I have a feeling there may be more guzzling than usual.
Oh wait, this is actually the most important part.
Your date! Now that your apartment is clean, the food is warming, the wine is breathing, and you’re looking sexy in your newly washed and pressed date duds, be a gentleman/woman and offer to deliver your date right to your door. Order up an Uber to pick her up and drop her off at your place. It’s another move that will make you look less like a potential serial killer and more like the decent human being your mom knows you are.
If everything goes well…
L. Condoms. You’re welcome.
(Disclaimer: Some of these services are only available in the Bay Area or NYC. Do a little googling, though, and I bet you can find something similar in your town.)
Photo by chrstphre campbell via CC License on Flickr.