Up until a year ago, porn never got in the way of the orgasms I had during partnered sex or a self-love session. I could fantasize while having sex with myself or with my partner and still get myself there just as well (if not more so) than when I watched porn. However, that began to change about a year ago, which was about halfway through my grad school career. Writing a thesis while in the middle of my clinical internship was taking a toll on me emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually. Don’t get me wrong: grad school was a wonderful, life changing experience but it’s exhausting. You forget how to take care of yourself. I’m talking basic like, “Did I shower today? Or eat lunch? Or breathe?” With all of that going on, how could I be expected to remember if I’d had a good orgasm that day??
In the midst of trying to gather data for my thesis project, working a part time job, and working at my internship, I began to care less about how I was getting myself off. It just mattered that I was getting to the big “O” that would jumpstart my morning–and that’s where porn came in. It was just easy, you know? I would wake up, unplug my phone from its charger and I’d Google the porn I’d been jonesing to watch. I’d turn the volume down just low enough so that I could hear it but my roommate(s) couldn’t, I’d come in a few minutes, and I’d go about my day.
I referred to those O’s as my “porngasms.” Did they feel good? Hell yes. Were they earth-shatteringly good? No. But at the time I wasn’t interested in a mindful, body-connected self-orgasm. I wanted that jolt of orgasm goodness before starting my day. Mission: accomplished. Over time, though, watching porn wasn’t the quick happy fix that it once was. Before I even realized it, I’d have to skip around to two, then three, then maybe five or six porn clips to get there. Okay, so what if I got bored easily and I had to skip around to a few different clips until I hit it big; what’s the problem? At the time it wasn’t a big deal; it didn’t matter that my go-to searches weren’t titillating anymore. I just figured that meant I was broadening my (fantasy) horizons. And I wasn’t entirely wrong, but really what was happening was that I was desensitizing myself to fantasies (and people, like my partner) that used to turn me on. My reality and the fantasies that I used to masturbate to all the time were now boring. Deep down I knew that was bad, but I just didn’t know how to fix it.
One day during my last semester of grad school I decided, “Hey, I’ve got time; I’m going to get off the old fashion way, by fantasizing the way I used to. This will be great!” I was home by myself; I could just lay back, relax and let my mind drift from fantasy to fantasy until I erupted into a great orgasm. But that is the opposite of what happened. I couldn’t concentrate. I would try to hold one fantasy in my mind but then my mind would go blank or I’d be trying to focus so hard on what the fantasy was that I would stop paying attention to what I was doing with my own body, what I was touching and how. The failed attempt to get myself off for the first time in quite a while without using porn was a disaster and left me feeling like shit.
How could I let this happen? I wracked my brain and the only answer I could come up with was too much porn. Porn was an easy instrument I used to get myself off, but in the ease and accessibility of it I lost my connection to my own body. My body stopped registering what actually felt good to me because my brain was too busy attending to what was on the screen. I knew I had to change something.
Even though I knew I should make some changes and reconsider how I was attuning to my own sexual needs, it certainly did not happen overnight. I think I was in denial for a while. I started speculating: Maybe it’s not about the porn; maybe it’s because I am so stressed in these last months leading up to graduation; or maybe it’s because I hate my job; or because I’m not exercising enough. All of those variables were valid. They probably did (and still continue to) impact my sexuality on a day to day basis. But those variables certainly did not account for why I was so out of touch (literally) with my body. It was like I had forgotten what felt good to me and I couldn’t even turn myself on.
So where am I at now with all of this? Well, I decided to try porn-free masturbation again. Within the past month I’ve finally started to turn my self-loving around and I’m re-attuning to my body and her needs. And to be honest, it has taken a lot of diligence and compassion for myself. Whenever I find myself desiring to get off, I make sure that I have enough time to do so and make sure I’m relaxed before I dive in. If I feel like I am going to rush and put pressure on myself to come so I can get to work, or the grocery store, or wherever I won’t force it. I’m sure I’ll be able to get a self-guided quickie in like I used to, but for now I am taking it one day at a time. Someday I’ll re-incorporate porn into my sex life, but for now I’m in no rush. I am looking forward to reacquainting myself with my imagination and my body.
Image: me and the sysop/Flickr
