“No One Signed Up To Suck Your Dick” And 5 More Online Dating Tips For Dudes

Guest post by Max Pogacar

I have been on a number of dates using a few different apps and sites and I’ve started to notice some trends ranging from slightly amusing to downright disturbing. As someone who has navigated the strange and wonderful world of online dating, I felt that it’s time to share some of my observations and online dating tips to both men and women trying to do the same. Let’s start with the (hetero) men and I’ll bring it back for the ladies next week.

1. Forget what you learned from porn.

No one signed up for an online dating profile to suck your dick, so don’t open a conversation by asking if they want to. A lot of women give up on online dating simply because they are constantly being sent pictures of dicks, crude sexual propositions, and bad pick up lines and I’m convinced it’s because porn has warped men’s minds into thinking that courtship can be skipped and that we can just cut straight to the point. Douchebags like this are why fake profiles leading to webcams and porn sites are so successful: as obvious as they seem to some of us, YOU are the guy who actually believes that beautiful women want nothing more than your dick in every orifice of their body and perpetuate spam that promises just this. Stop it.

2. Don’t be a Bro, bro.

You know what women love? You endlessly talking about sports, cars, hunting and how much you love tits and asses. Oh wait… No. That’s what your guy friends like. I’m not saying that you should lie about yourself, nor am I implying that women don’t like some of those things, but you need to remember that you’re trying to appeal to women, not just your frat brothers or your own ego. Which leads me to:

3. Shut up about yourself and find out about her.

Remember that part in “40 Year Old Virgin” where Steve Carell just keeps asking the cute blonde questions? And no matter what keeps on asking questions? While it may be exaggerated, this is actually incredibly effective. Stop talking about yourself and start asking her questions. Find things that you have in common. Then follow those things and find more things. No girl is ever going to meet you -let alone have sex with you – unless she thinks you’re actually interested in who she is and not just how she looks.

4. You are a terrible photographer.

So are your friends. Girls are better at taking pictures and this is something that we need to accept. So skip the pictures of you without your shirt (even if you’ve worked forever on those abs), throwing the horns and sticking out your tongue while you’re at the beer pong table. It makes you look stupid and common. Try and find the pictures that you would send your Mom. Seriously. A shot of you at the beach is fine, just try and hide your ego. Or your gut.

5. The first date should be drinks.

So you actually convinced a girl to meet you in the real world? Great! Don’t fuck it up. Don’t ask her to the movies, you won’t talk. Coffee is for lame-asses. Don’t take her out for dinner; it’s too long, expensive and likely to go awry. And for the sake of all that is good and holy (no pun intended), do not invite her over to your place. That’s just code for “let’s fuck,” which, again, is not cool. Neutral ground and a good conversation is what you need. Meet for drinks, where a little liquid courage and a good setting will help you both. If you’re not feeling it, you can get out quickly. If things are going well, have another drink and see where the night takes you.

6. A picture is worth 1,000 lying words.

This is really dangerous territory. So please don’t take this the wrong way: Do not pursue anyone based on one picture. I have seen both sides of this happen and it’s brutal. Girls are really good at making themselves look their very best, so if you think she has a pretty face and go all in, you’re going to break her heart when you meet her and find out that the rest of her doesn’t match  your tastes. I should add that this goes both ways. Girls should be really careful with hiding their figures. If you go online with the hopes of actually meeting someone, be honest about your body type. Don’t set yourself up for being insulted when meeting someone. I watched a girlfriend’s roommate cry her eyes out after meeting a guy and being told “I had no idea you were so chubby,” and who then walked out on her five seconds after meeting her. Don’t be either of these people.   Photo by Cali4beach via CC License on Flickr.

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