Sex Advice From A Fuck-Up: Say My Name

sex advice

Welcome to the first in what will be an ongoing sex advice column from Cathy Reisenwitz. A self-proclaimed “fuck-up,” Cathy will guide you through all of your sex, dating, and relationship questions. Learn from her mistakes so you don’t have to make them yourself!

Follow her on Twitter @CathyReisenwitz.

 

Anonymous: How big a deal is it when someone says someone else’s name in bed?

It may not feel like it, but this is all win for you. Trust me. Because there are only two likely explanations here. One, your partner is just bad with names. This is me. I’ve called people the wrong names, in bed and out of it, a zillion times. I usually catch myself when I’m mid-coitus, and either just stop before I finish the name or try to make it something else.

The other likely explanation is that chick is kinda bored.

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The first step to getting engaged enough to stay fully present during sex is admitting that your mind wanders. Tamp down the shame and embarrassment. It’s not your fault, and it’s not her fault either. Boredom happens to the best of us.

Let’s get real here, despite what culture likes to tell us about women being more monogamous by default, the opposite is actually true.

That women crave monogamy while men crave variety is something evo psyche redpill dudebros like to attribute to inviolable biological laws. In reality, this is actually a recent theory. Throughout human history, women were considered to be far more libidinous than men. It wasn’t until the Victorian Era that the vision of feminine frigidity arose.

Turns out the Victorians were, once again, wrong about sex. Women are far more likely to lose interest in sex with their monogamous partners. Women also respond more to novelty in pornographic fantasies. And women are much more turned on by fantasies of sex with strangers than sex with friends. (Thanks Slate.)

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Be all that as it may, sexual boredom can happen to anyone, anytime. I once found out that a man had been closing his eyes and running through a slideshow of exes and porn while in bed with me. At first I was really hurt. I had sex with him, to be close to him. I was turned on by him. Why wasn’t he feeling the same?

But then I calmed down and realized it’s not about me not being sexy enough or failing as a lover. I made it less about who I was and more about what we can do together. We talked about ways to make sex interesting enough to keep him present. It actually turned out great for me to realize he’d been elsewhere mentally in bed. I finally got to try some things it turned out I loved.

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Engagement takes effort. It requires novelty. Monogamy is hard, for men and women. Keeping things interesting takes work and risk. And the first step is admitting that it’s time to put in the work. It can feel threatening to hear that your partner needs something new. But you don’t need a new person to feel that anything-could-happen excitement. You just need a partner with whom anything could happen. Keep being that partner for each other, and the you’ll have a much better chance of being fully there when you’re together.

 

Do you have your own sex question for Cathy? Email her here.

 

Photo courtesy of Andre Leisner via CC License on Flickr. Altered from original. All GIFs via giphy.

 

Cathy Reisenwitz is a D.C.-based writer. She is Editor-in-Chief of Sex and the State and her writing has appeared in The Week, Forbes, the Chicago Tribune, The Daily Beast, VICE Motherboard, Reason magazine, Talking Points Memo and other publications. She has been quoted by the New York Times Magazine and has been a columnist at Townhall.com and Bitcoin Magazine. Her media appearances include Fox News and Al Jazeera America. She serves on the Board of Advisors for the Center for a Stateless Society.

10 Comments

  • Reply April 22, 2015

    Anonymous

    Hey Cathy! How do you spice your relationship’s sex up?

    • Reply April 22, 2015

      cathy

      Hey! Well, what I do is I just be sure to avoid relationships like the plague. But before that, I used to get really weird with the dirty talk. And fuck ppl I’m not in a relationship with (w my partner’s blessing, obvi). Like, we got inventive with the shit we’d say in bed.

  • Reply April 22, 2015

    Aldous

    “That women crave monogamy while men crave variety is something evo psyche redpill dudebros like to attribute to inviolable biological laws”

    Not a “redpill bro” but this actually the opposite of what they believe

  • Reply April 22, 2015

    David

    Looking forward to these posts.

  • Reply April 23, 2015

    anonymous

    Hah, if there’s one idea that redpillers are against, it’s “women crave monogamy.” If anything that’s a conservative/traditionalist delusion.

    You don’t have to agree with people, just don’t misrepresent their views.

    • Reply April 23, 2015

      Cathy Reisenwitz

      “Redpillers” actually encompasses a wide variety of views. I was thinking about anti-feminists who tend toward gender essentialism.

  • Reply April 23, 2015

    Isabel

    “I once found out that a man had been closing his eyes and running through a slideshow of exes and porn while in bed with me. ”

    LOL yes you are exactly the kind of person who should be giving out sex advice.

    • Reply April 23, 2015

      Cathy Reisenwitz

      You sound kinda judgy Isabel. No wonder your partners have been afraid to tell you the same. 🙂

      • Reply April 23, 2015

        Isabel

        LOL projection

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