Sex Advice From A Fuck-Up: What Makes Sex Exciting?

If there’s one thing reading a shit ton about sex has taught me, it’s that despite having been called kinky on several occasions — including by my mother — I’ll never come close to earning the distinction. So when I write about what makes sex exciting, it’s definitely from a noob’s perspective. I’d love to hear others’ thoughts in the comments.

I’ve thought about it a lot because it’s frustrating! Sex is great, then, somehow, it becomes boring. Or, you really like someone, but sex with them isn’t good. Or, sex is mind-blowing, and you think: How do I get that again?

But after some thought, here’s what I’ve come up with. I think what differentiates boring sex from exciting sex can be distilled into “anything can happen.” That has several dichotomies. It’s inside and outside the bedroom. It’s good and bad.

Sometimes “anything can happen” just refers to things during the actual sexytimes. You might pull out a strap-on. I might get whipped. A clown might jump out of the closet.

Or, worse, R Kelly.

R-kelly-

Sometimes anything can happen refers mostly to bad things. The possibility of getting caught is a huge one, behind many taboos from adultery to incest. Another is the possibility of losing power, which I think is behind a lot of power-differential fantasies, including teacher/student and cop/criminal pairings. I’d guess that the bad side of “anything can happen” is overrepresented in porn and erotica because that’s a safe way to enjoy that feeling with little actual risk.

Sometimes anything can happen refers to wonderful things. I might fall in love. We might get married. I could get pregnant.

I think we lose interest in sex when we feel very confident that we can see the future or, in other words, when we stop believing anything can happen and start thinking there’s a narrow range of possibilities, all of which we’re familiar with.

I think that’s what makes new partners and people we’re in love with exciting to fuck. With someone new, the “anything can happen” is obvious. But in love, it’s there too. There, the anything can happen is life.

People talk often about how risky new partners are, whiich is some of the appeal on the negative side. My friend asked me why I don’t just keep a rotation of steady partners. Here’s the problem: Steady is antithetical to “anything can happen.”

Broad-city-sex

“You’re addicted to gambling!” And that, my friend, is dating. Rolling the dice over and over hoping to get something cool. Hoping it’s not an STI.

It seems to me the key to great sex is keeping that balance of comfort and risk — a gamble whose outcome you’re not sure of but whose likely outcomes won’t be too bad.

Which brings me to a funny thought. At my advanced age, I cannot tell you how amusing it is to me when people offer falling in love with one person as an antidote to the risk of sleeping around. Yes, right, and then I’ll swim to Europe to avoid the risk of my plane crashing into the sea.

I think the reason many people experience their best sex with someone they’re in love with is that love is often the biggest gamble you can make. To trust someone with your future, your heart, your safety — there’s no bigger risk, or reward.

 

All GIFs via GIFwrapped. Featured image via Liam Hart, CC License on Flickr.

Cathy Reisenwitz is a D.C.-based writer. She is Editor-in-Chief of Sex and the State and her writing has appeared in The Week, Forbes, the Chicago Tribune, The Daily Beast, VICE Motherboard, Reason magazine, Talking Points Memo and other publications. She has been quoted by the New York Times Magazine and has been a columnist at Townhall.com and Bitcoin Magazine. Her media appearances include Fox News and Al Jazeera America. She serves on the Board of Advisors for the Center for a Stateless Society.

4 Comments

  • Reply May 5, 2015

    Thomas Michie

    Great article, Cathy.

    For me, what makes (keeps) sex exciting is variety. One day I’ll have slow passionate sex and the next I’ll break the bed. I get bored of sex with someone if we do the same type of sex every time. It’s also keeps it exciting when one day you’re doing it the bed, the next day you’re doing it in the shower, and then the next day you’re doing it in the living room or on the stair or wherever.

  • Reply May 5, 2015

    simon...

    Nice. I was talking about it with my just a few mins before this article poped up in my fb feed. It might not be as much about unpredictability, but about taking things for granted. Not that much different from anything else in life. We don’t value things that we know for sure are coming our way.

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  • Reply May 14, 2015

    Darren James

    Great article! A friend once told me, never let your lover become your mother. Sounds kinky, but the deeper meaning is to always keep some mystery between you. A wife may be a friend, but keeping her as your lover first, will keep the home fires hot for a long time. Always keep friends and always have your own activities. All that personal time helps build the mystery and tension needed to have some desire in the boudoir.

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