12 Things I’ve Learned In The First 12 Months With My Vagina

trans

By Maddy McKenna

Twelve months ago in a cold operating room, lying on an even colder surgery table, I was preparing to go to bed and wake up to the answer to the wish I had begged for every night for the last 18 years. I’ll admit, though, that it was mortifying to have six doctors surrounding me and knowing that for the next seven hours they were going to be focused on the one thing that I would never want anyone to see — even myself. I lay there thinking, “They better put me out good!” I was convinced that I was so excited about the coming reality of waking up to a brighter future that the anesthesia wouldn’t work.

But it did and when I woke up, my eyes immediately filled up with tears. Even though I just went through such a major ordeal, I had never have felt so painless as I did when I realized I was at one with my body. My body wasn’t my enemy anymore and for the first time — as cheesy as this sounds — I felt free. I don’t think any minute I have left on this universe can compare to the first minute I had with my neo vagina.

Yeah! You haven’t heard? A neo vagina. A what-used-to-be-a-penis and was constructed into a vagina. Okay, I get it, if you’re a natal cis-gendered dude, you’re probably so confused as to why anyone in their right mind would want to get rid of God’s trophy that He bestowed on you but, for me, that thing was never wanted to begin with. I’m transgender and even though a sex change isn’t something that every trans women desires, for me it was a necessary step in my transition.

Twelve months have passed now and every day is a new, exciting experience for me, although nothing compares to those first few minutes. So these are twelve things that I’ve learned so far, in my first twelve months with my vagina.

1. Looks aren’t everything.

maddy 4

I think I watched too much porn when I was younger or I stared up too many dresses of Barbies. Prior to my surgery, if I’d had a choice to design my kitten, I would’ve asked for very-little-to-no definition of my labia. I wouldn’t want any suspicion in a swimsuit that my vagina may be a penis. But vaginas are like snowflakes, okay? None are identical. It would be weird if they were! Some women have more definition than others; some may have a visible clitoris; and with others you may have to do a little more searching. My left labia is puffier than my right and my right labia is a bit darker in my peachy salmon shade. Am I considering labiaplasty? No!! Because she’s cute, she has character, and she’s mine!!

2.) Orgasms are kinda really difficult to achieve, but maybe- OH HEY THERE YOU GO.

giphy

I was one day short of eight weeks post-op when I thought I would give things a go, completely clueless as to how I even operate, now. Wikihow? No help. You have to experiment, you have to feel ridiculous for a little while, and you have to go through not feeling a thing. It takes trial and error and really, ultimately, it’s mind over matter. Forget about what new modern gadget you’re convinced will send you over the moon if you aren’t into it, or you’re too focused on getting that finale: you’re just going to find yourself frustrated. If it starts to feel like a chore, you’re doing it wrong.

3.) Climaxing makes you question the purpose of life.

giphy (1)Masturbation used to be terrifying. I was never into it; it always felt awkward and forced, and after I would finish, the biggest wave of guilt and shame would crash over me. Now? Not every time, but Ioften cry afterwards. It feels THAT sensational, and not even just physically. The way my body aligns with my mind and sends my body into complete shock for a few seconds makes me feel like my spirit literally beams out of my body.

Seriously, what is up with orgasms??? Why can’t you compare that feeling to anything else in existence? Why do they feel so good, and why do they remind us that we’re alive? How crazy is it to think when you’re with someone and you both climax, and have that feeling of LIFE, ultimately, in that moment, you just physically created life with that person. The big bang theory.

4.) Commando is the way to go.

maddy 2

Before my surgery, on average, I had to spend 20 minutes every morning cutting out strips of duct tape, wrapping my penis in toilet paper, taking that tape, sticking it from my shaft, pulling it all the way up into my ass and repeat. I used to call this joyful routine “tucking.” Oh? My testicles fell out of their inguinal canal? Time to rip the tape off, and start all over! Now when I wake up, after I peak under the covers to confirm that my vagina is still, well, there, I brew coffee, and prance around in nothing but nothing. And it feels so good. When I walk to the store I sometimes put underwear on underneath my dress and sometimes I don’t. But when I don’t, I feel THE BREEZE. Total. Liberation. Thank you, Mother Nature for stopping by and saying “Hey girl!!”

5.) This isn’t fun and games. This is dedication.

maddy 5

I feel like my eyes almost get stuck in the back of my head every time I read a comment online implying that men just get to throw on makeup and hair and be accepted as women in society. They think we’re full time drag queens, having a blast.

First of all, let me assure you that we trans women are not transitioning for anyone but ourselves. Yes, it’s nice to walk out my door and be identified as a woman by the public eye, but I had to see that for myself before they could.

A typical day for me might consist of shaving not only my face but entire body. That includes my arms, my cute butt, my knuckles, the back of my neck, etc. (Thanks for the genes, Dad!) Then, if it’s due, I Inject myself with estrogen, which is something I will do for the rest of my life and has cost me thousands of dollars just in the last four years. Then, after putting on makeup to conceal any little detail that hints “man,” I head to work.

No, I don’t work toward vacations, or to go to the movies on a Friday night with my nonexistent boyfriend. I work towards saving money for my surgeries, for my electrolysis, for my therapy sessions, or for my future surrogacy/adoption fund. I always have a bill to pay, just to feel content with where things are for me in transition.

If I really cared about what society thought of me, I would still be a man. This is for me, not you. Don’t flatter yourself, America.

6.) It’s easier to tell guys right away.

giphy (2)

I’ve never been in a relationship, although I have had a few (although not so proud of) sexual partners, and I don’t have a huge social circle. I’m trying, though! I have a not so useful dating app and I manage to stay in the bars past dinner, into the night scene. When meeting someone new, I always find a way to drop that I’m transgender into the conversation and on Tinder I list it in my bio.

I just find it easier to get it out there before becoming too involved because I hate anxiety of the unknown and I like people to like me for all of me. I leave no room for misconceptions. I get that I’m a woman and I owe no explanation but I’m a trans woman who is also proud of her gender identity. Plus, telling them later on always makes it come off as a “secret” and saves me the “I have to tell you something” spiel.  SO, I just let them know and with that information, they can do decide if it’s their thing or not.

The reveal usually comes a bunch of questions, mainly physical. Questions like how I have boobs, if my voice is real, if I used to be the star quarterback in high school, and most importantly, whats going on “down there,” if you get what I mean.  A simple flirtatious conversation turns into a interview. Which I’m fine with; I get that people are curious. But most of the time, they just end up congratulating me for them finding me fuckable. They don’t want to bring me across the bar to introduce me to their friends, and they most certainly  don’t want to get coffee with me the next morning if we have a sleepover.

7.) “Tranny chasers” are real — and gross.

maddy 7

Most men are just afraid of transsexuals, because of the social stigma that comes with dating one of us. God forbid he brings me out in daylight and someone calls me a man and them gay, because then they are emasculated. Even though he may find me beautiful and charming, his ego is what’s most fragile and worthy.

I do not shame someone for what they like in the bedroom and I get that it’s not just a issue I deal with for being trans but for being a woman — because people do shady stuff in general. Also, shaming trans-attracted men would be internalized transphobia. However, it’s hard when you’re a person who goes through dysphoria only to find out a guy is only attracted to you and your friends primarily for the one thing you hate most about yourself.

8.) Dilating is not great, but it’s worth it.

giphy (4)

The only part in my vagina self-care regimen that differs from a natal vagina is that I have to dilate. I like to think of my vagina as an ear piercing. It’s cute. and fun to have things inside but without attention, it can close up! When I first came out of surgery, my body naturally  registered my neo vagina as a wound and, because of that, it wanted to heal and close up. No thank you!

The solution is that for 30 minutes, three times a day with a nine inch medical dilator, I would insert and apply pressure to prevent losing vaginal depth. Today, I am down to a dilating only a few times a week, for 30 minutes, and will keep that schedule for the rest of my life. The only bonus it that if I have a sexual companion, 30 minutes of sex counts as 30 minutes of dilation.

9.) If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck…

maddy 6

A neo vagina, and a natal vagina are basically the same except… They aren’t. The vaginal wall was created from the inverted shaft skin of my penis, leaving the nerve endings intact. I have a sensitive, functioning, clitoris, which was constructed from what used to be the head of the penis. The mucous tissue from the urethral extension in my penis was used to create my labia minora, so from that, I get a little wet, although not nearly as much as an average natal women would. My testicles were trashed. Adios! It feels the same to men and I’m prone to yeast infections and STIs, just like natal women.

10.) Periods > Penises

giphy (3)

So given the fact that my vagina is 95% aesthetic, periods are something I miss out on in this lifetime. OMG. LADIES I KNOW. I’m “SOooo lucky.” Yes, Having a giant shark chomp on my lower abdomen is something I’m fortunate to not have to wake up to every month, but having a period is nature’s way of reminding you that you can carry life! Being a mother is the biggest dream I have, and as is the case for many women out there, knowing you will never be able to feel life grow inside of you and having that special connection to your child is heartbreaking. I fear my children won’t feel like I’m their mother. I fear that, as babies, I won’t be able to nurture them the same as their birth mother will, because they know I didn’t bring them into this world. So yes, cramps are something I’m happy I don’t have to bare, but I would take it in a instant, if I could bare a child.

11.) But just because I don’t have a uterus doesn’t mean there won’t be a mini-me.

maddy 3

Early in my transition, prior to hormone replacement therapy (HRT), my mother took a 14 year old Maddy to a sperm bank. We definitely got side eyes from people wondering why on a earth a mother and her very, very androgynous daughter were there. Well, little did they know that I wasn’t there to rub one out to make an extra buck but because I’d strategically planned a way to have biological children. So yes, I can’t carry a child, but I can still conceive one!!

When you start to take testosterone blockers and estrogen, your penis becomes dysfunctional, your penis as well as your testicles shrink up, and your sperm count becomes very little to nonexistent. As you read before, being a mother is a dream of mine, and even though I plan on adoption, I would love the privilege of being able to have a child from my own string of DNA too.

So, I went in and did my little thing. When I’m ready, I can find a surrogate mother and try to make that happen If I choose to. I’ve also been very fortunate to have sisters, one of whom has told me numerous times she would love to be an egg donor for my future husband. Seriously! My support system is beyond this world.

12.)  Having a vagina doesn’t confirm my femininity.

maddy 1

 I was no less of a woman when I had a penis than I am now with a vagina, and I’m not more of one just because I had surgery. Like I said, not every trans  woman desires to have vaginoplasty. Some don’t mind their penises, some love them and others are ambivalent about them. Surgery isn’t the cure to our trans-ness and it does not confirm that we are “real women.”

Gender is so beautiful because it feels different for all of us and if society didn’t police what categorized us as male or female, our gender presentations would be as diverse and fluctuating as everyone is on this planet is already.

I still go through the same experiences that my pre-op/non-op trans girlfriends go through. I still get clocked on the street, and have some days where I feel more uncomfortable in my body than usual… And thats okay. I don’t know why people think you have to have it all figured out and that if you’re unsure with yourself and your body that your identity isn’t valid. It is. I’ve come to appreciate that with every new day, I’m learning and coming to get to know the person I am. I am open to failing, hurting; I’m open to love; I’m open to change. Surgery opened those doors for me. It’s given me the peace so now I can focus on who I am, rather than what I am.

Through my struggle, I appreciate the journey with my body, from being a child who couldn’t bear to look at themselves naked, to a woman who flourishes on social media with endless sexy selfies. I am so happy, and I can’t stress enough how important it is to become comfortable with our bodies. Do what you need to do, to feel you, and know that you’re going to get there.

Author’s note: these experiences are strictly my own and do not necessarily reflect the experiences of other trans women.

Images: Giphy (5); courtesy of the author (7)

Maddy McKenna, is an aspiring model and video blogger for YouTube under the username, MaddyJameson. When she's not writing, making videos, or taking selfies you can find her spending time with with her sisters or following up on the latest beauty trends.

48 Comments

  • Reply October 3, 2015

    Alana

    I loved reading this, Maddy! You are so beautiful, brave, and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story!!

    • Reply January 14, 2017

      Lipsy

      Hi , I love your story and all my friends are females , and even one of them is a barrister in a court , to be honest i did not know what you had to go through everyday , your story has made me cry to the point that i cannot see my keyboard , people normally work so they can save up to go on a holiday but you had to work to pay so you can feel like anyone else , i reall feel for you babe , your story is so touching and i would love to be your friend , i am going out with the girls tonight like i usually do every week end and no one can ever change my mind about who i want to hang out with , to the point i lost my family over this , but you know what , it is worth it and they are my best friends and they have become my new family and not any amount of diamonds would change that because they are my diamonds now and i would do what it take to protect them , i love your story baby and good luck in future feel free to message me and would love to be in contact.

  • Reply October 3, 2015

    Veronica

    Maddy… over the years I have heard that it my be possible to carry and child conceived through invetro can be artificial insemination into the adominal walland carried like being in a uterus.

  • Reply October 3, 2015

    Deanna Joy Hallmark

    I enjoyed your article mainly because I am now 19 months post op and share many of the feelings you describe. I am very open about being transgender and have even had my picture in my hometown newspaper taken at the 2014 Pride Parade identified as a trans woman and proud of it. Yet at the same time I identify completely as a woman and as a three-year widow this week after 31 years of marriage to the mother of my son, am seeking a loving intimate relationship with a man, as much a part of my teenage fantasy as having the right parts to experience sex as a “Bond girl” rather than James Bond as did my male contemporaries at the time.. I have yet to experience an orgasm as you described but reading your article had me squeezing my Kegel muscles involuntarily and made my nipples tingle so there is hope yet.

    • Reply October 6, 2015

      CHRISSY J

      Regarding your wait for orgasm … It’ll come, probably when you least expect it.
      I had my first orgasm about six weeks ago, at two years four months post-op.
      It wasn’t earth-shattering but it was very nice and I cried afterwards because I finally felt ‘complete’.
      Your time will come, I’m sure.

  • Reply October 3, 2015

    joshua benson

    awesome and interesting story and tnxs for sharing,go girl

  • Reply October 3, 2015

    Nikko

    This is amazing to read! You’re really fantastic and inspiring. I’m a transmasculine demiboy who isn’t out yet, but I eventually want both top and bottom surgery, and this article really convinced me that I really do want bottom surgery… to feel like myself, to actually be that way, it’d be awesome. I know we’re kind of in opposite situations (and yet sort of the same at the same time – lol), but this was really inspiring. 🙂

  • Reply October 3, 2015

    Megan

    Shut the front door! I’m friends with your sis on Facebook, and every time she posts a pic of you, I am always taken aback by how gorgeous you are. I had no idea you are trans. You are seriously beautiful!

  • Reply October 4, 2015

    Annie

    It’s interesting. Reading your thoughts and experiences feels familiar to me, even though I’m a cis woman. Believe it or not, the routine of a cis woman (at least for me) feels just as hanging-in-the-balance as you’ve described here. If there’s any hint of masculinity, it has to go or be covered, unless you want to be perceived as manly. Also, as a fat woman, I think it’s amplified even more. I identified so much with this. Thanks for sharing.

  • Reply October 4, 2015

    Angel Jansson

    Hi there Maddy! I am transmale, pre everything. I found your story really interesting. Thank you so much for sharing. And yea, chasers are horrible!

  • Reply October 4, 2015

    Laura

    There are studies showing that over time a neovagina can turn into a mucosa.
    The presence of estrogen through hrt is responsibe for this change.

    Furthermore many trans women report a very slippery substance coming from their urethra, so quite a few are self lubricating.
    Maybe a secret is to not holding in, just letting go.

    Well you might breastfeed eventually. There is an article “trans women and brestfeeding” describing someones experience.

    hugs

  • Reply October 4, 2015

    Charity Henderson

    Just wanted to say that the way you describe reaching orgasm is not so different from the way natal women do, based on my experience and from what I’ve heard from others. It’s at least as much mental as it is psychological. That can be a strength rather than a disadvantage, though, as reaching orgasm can, with enough concentration, be achieved with little and maybe no physical stimulation.

  • Reply October 5, 2015

    Morgan

    This is what I need in my life! I really appreciate this article! As a trans female just in the first couple of months of HRT, my biggest anxiety is being clocked everday! I get a healthy amounts of ma’am and lady, but every once in awhile, I get a sir, and it devastates me. I agree 100% about periods too, if it means having a child, I would in a heartbeat! Seeing your progression gives me hope for the future!

  • Reply October 5, 2015

    Joy

    You’ve brought tears to this 60 year old white woman’s eyes! Here’s to many, many years of love and life to you and your new kitty! You, my dear, are a SUPERHERO!

  • Reply October 6, 2015

    Lola

    This is lovely, thank you.

    I’m 2 years in to HRT, no plans for surgery.

    I adore your sentiments in all of these, but am deeply grateful for the last one, #12. We ARE all different, and our experiences are all different, and we don’t need policing. We need to be left as we wish, respected for our choices.

    Blessings.

  • Reply October 6, 2015

    Eleanor

    Is a neo vagina self cleaning? It’s a sort of pouch isn’t it? So it needs daily douching? So many practical questions.

    • Reply February 11, 2016

      Linda Lee

      I recommend douching daily or every other day with mild soap or vinegar and water because a neo-vagina doesn’t have the normal cleansing actions of a vagina.

      • Reply August 20, 2016

        Leona

        Douching disrupts the natural flora.

        There are organic probiotic products like intrafresh and femina flora which install a natural flora exacty like in cis people. Daily douche is not necessary then.

        Some gyns also recommend eating organic youghurt from time to time.
        It also can help with healthy bacteria.

  • Reply October 6, 2015

    Amber

    i love you for writing this and appreciate you for doing so. I love this and everything we can learn because of this. ❤️❤️❤️

  • Reply October 7, 2015

    David Bonnie

    Interesting article but it was a little disappointing that you used the term tranny chasers especially when stating they “are real and gross”. Although you chose SRS many do not or cannot afford it. Had you been in that number you may have had to learn to love at at least accept your penis. Men in relationships with pre op or never having the op transgirls do the same or may find that girls with a little extra are more fun to be around for a variety of reasons. Not sure why you have not had a boyfriend? I think that even though you hated your penis it seems prejudicial to use such terms as tranny chaser and gross and a little entitled also. The trans community is eclectic so maybe I could encourage you to be a better advocate than Caitlyn? Best wishes

    • Reply July 23, 2016

      Sarah

      I personally am in the situation where I am relatively unable to get the surgery but really need it. It is unfair to say that I should learn to love and accept my offending anatomy. It distresses me every day. If I am unable to get the surgery in the longer term (Say by the time I am 25, so 5 years.) it will devastate me to the point of attempting a DIY surgery or maybe even go as far as just committing suicide. For many transgender people, it really is life or death to receive treatment in a timely manner. I’ve already been forced to live like this for 20 years. I’m not about to accept the way my body is. “Chasers” are some of the people I hate the most in this world. They value me only for a body part and would have me keep that body part that causes me so much distress that I want to do something risky and dangerous about it. “Chasers” very much are real and very much harmful to many transgender people. For me, that “little extra” has ruined my life and put me in a relatively untenable position. I am so close to the breaking point these days because every single therapist and MD I’ve gone to has said that they don’t think I’m ready for the surgery or that they think I should wait longer and are keeping me from moving on with my life. At this point I can honestly say that I hate this stupid world for keeping me in this living hell.

  • […] But it did and when I woke up, my eyes immediately filled up with tears. […]

  • […] But it did and when I woke up, my eyes immediately filled up with tears. […]

  • Reply October 15, 2015

    Kleos

    you’re an amazing and inspirational woman. I hope you will share more of your wonderful journey with us. As a trans man who’s looking and saving towards his tranisition, I can only imagine how you felt during those first few moments post gender-affirming surgery. I’m soooo excited to finally have that experience for myself and thank you for sharing yours 🙂 <3

  • Reply December 6, 2015

    Emma

    I am unsure if you have seen it already but there is a lot of experimentation and tryouts on transplanted wombs into women who are missing one from birth or are trans.

    There are even successful tryouts where women who were given a transplanted womb have given birth to children – give it a google.

    There is hope for all of us who want to bear biological children one day.

  • Reply January 17, 2016

    Peter Suescun

    Thank you
    For your story of your life
    I am grateful
    My daughter is trans
    The most beautiful woman in my life
    Thank you
    For being you

  • Reply February 8, 2016

    Jm

    I think you are the most beautiful girl in the world. Keep on smiling, please. One day please tell us the story of your smile and your big heart.

  • Reply February 12, 2016

    Chrissie See

    Thank you for sharing your story, and congratulations on becoming the person you always knew you were meant to be.

  • Reply February 12, 2016

    Lisa

    Maddy,

    As a former gestational carrier, let me ease your fears a bit. I have seen first hand the bond of a parent and child born through surrogacy. One of the best days of my life was handing a sweet little boy over to his dads. They immediately had skin to skin time with him. The bond they all formed was beautiful and ever-lasting. Their son calls me Auntie Lisa and shows me the same affection one would show an aunt or dear family friend. Your children will know who you are by the love you shower upon them. They will know without a doubt who their mother is. Trust me when I say you have nothing to worry about!! Much love on your continued journey!!!

  • Reply February 13, 2016

    Aleshia Brevard

    Maddy, even though I am now 54 years past GRS and life as a senior citizen is an adventure in its own right, your article brought back many memories and, yes, even reminded me of initial fears from the early 60s. It’s gratifying to read of the courage you have shown thus far, and continue to show, on your journey — and, yes, it is an individual journey of exploration. If I have learned anything, it’s that in short order the ‘newness’ of a long awaited completion tends to give way to living comfortably as just another member of a long established sisterhood. Enjoy!

  • Reply February 14, 2016

    jennifer

    Maddy, although i am not trans… i feel i can relate to you in so many ways. and i find it amazing and inspiring that you told your story. so now i will tell you..
    i am a natural woman.. but i have to shave or use another hair removal method for my face because of a hormone condition. and, thanks to my father’s genes, i also have a hairy back which i am extremely embarrassed by and gets brought up in every relationship ive ever been in.
    also because of my hormones i am overweight and losing weight is rather difficult. i was on a birth control to try and help however birth controls dont seem to agree with me and i ended up in the hospital with blood clots in my lungs, so i had to get off of it and regained some of the weight i lost.
    i was lucky enough for my hormones to straighten out at one point and i conceived and successfully gave birth to my daughter who is now 7 years old. however the birth control i attempted to get on after i had her made my condition worse and i lost fertility for 6 years… after that my hormones started to straighten out again and i conceived again however my hormones still werent right and i had a miscarriage a week after finding out i was pregnant. and since the miscarriage i again became sterile. before i became pregnant with the miscarried child.. i had spoken to my sister and asked if she would be a surrogate if i could never conceive again and she immediately said no and that was weird.
    youre extremely lucky to have such a supportive family and an amazing sister that will be a donor for your future child! again you are an inspiration to all! i wish you all the best in life!

  • Reply February 15, 2016

    JaneCatherine Maloy

    God bless your little heart and the best fortune to you in your coming years.

  • Reply February 24, 2016

    Lotus Lily

    ” I was no less of a woman when I had a penis than I am now with a vagina, and I’m not more of one just because I had surgery. Like I said, not every trans woman desires to have vaginoplasty. Some don’t mind their penises, some love them and others are ambivalent about them. Surgery isn’t the cure to our trans-ness and it does not confirm that we are “real women.”

    Gender is so beautiful because it feels different for all of us and if society didn’t police what categorized us as male or female, our gender presentations would be as diverse and fluctuating as everyone is on this planet is already.”

    Thank you.
    This citation has been for me lifechanging, I love my organ and it has made me realize that the operation was not the answer.
    Those words made me discover myself in a new way that my happiness is not defined with what’s in my pants.

  • Reply April 16, 2016

    Tara

    I appreciate the thought and effort that went into both the article and your transition, however, while I enjoyed reading it, I couldn’t help but be taken aback when you said your sister is willing to donate an egg so that you could have a child with your own genetics.
    You said it immediately after the story of saving some of your sperm. As if you’d use your younger self’s sperm to fertilize your sisters egg. … That’s uhm, going to produce a child of incest. Is that’ what you’re thinking of doing?

    • Reply September 17, 2016

      SOMENOONE

      @TARA Come one!, I think she is talking about you take sperm from one man and a ovule from woman (any woman that is not from the family) and the sister is just used as an oven to cook the baby.

  • Reply October 10, 2016

    Edalia

    This is a lovely article.

  • Reply November 2, 2016

    Chad Shelley

    I am proud and thankful that you share your knowledge and personal experience to help others understand and make the right decisions I’m transdendered I’m make but always wanted to be female for some reason I never took the right steps to becoming a woman because of fear of being ridiculed and as a pariah an outcast now that my dad past and mom moved away I’ve never wanted something so bad a vagina, boobs, those feminine curved soft skin and touch. I’m not gay as I never would want a penis in my butt unless it was a feminine penis attached to a tg or shemale does that make me a lesbian stuck in a man’s body I ccurrentl started crisscrossing and wish my ball sack would fall off ii wanna be castrated and forced into feminization

  • Reply December 4, 2016

    Wayne

    I needed to read this…..I learned so much and it helps to know these things when you are a man who yes adores a trans woman. There’s so much I don’t and didn’t understand. It’s not a fetish for me as it is with some men. I just find them more real than other woman no matter their stage in life.

    I’ve been blessed to have known a couple and one now I adore more than life. This so helped me.

    I need to understand and be able to help her with life if fhat is possible. It’s not a game for me, it’s real and I so needed to learn.

    Thank you, I’d love to talk more
    To you

  • Reply January 8, 2017

    Hadi

    Being a closeted trans woman, this made me feel really good about my future. I always worry that I’m never going to look “cis-passing” and that I’ll never get surgery, but this gives me hope for my future. Thank you.

  • Reply January 24, 2017

    Emily

    This was exciting to read! I’ve had tons of reservations on whether or not surgery down there is for me. Earlier on in my transition, when I was just starting electrolysis and went out looking like a “boygirlthing” I was so sure that I’d never do it. However as time as passed and I have started to pass it seems more like the right thing to do. I often worry if it will be “not real enough”.. but this has helped put my mind at ease.

    Also kudos on storing sperm. That was a top priority for me also, I recall going to the fertility clinic with my mother and having the peculiar stares and the casual “So.. you’re here.. at the fertility clinic…?”. Also another thing, I can relate to that sad feeling of, “will I ever really be mum?”. It is quite a tough thing to feel.

    Thanks for the read!

  • Reply February 26, 2017

    Joshua

    Personal question. So how does the new vagina clean itself? Or how does that work?

  • Reply February 28, 2017

    Sasha Lloyd

    Thank you for sharing your story. I have friends of all walks of life and love them each for who they are and my relationships with them. I’ve never questioned my Transgender friends of their experiences I guess I’ve only been a superficial friend. I am aware of the hardships and nightmares most Transgender people face, but I never really thought about their private internal struggle, their silent suffering. I’m in tears i feel like a bad friend for not being more of a friend. I feel like I’ve failed in supporting them because they’ve never shared their pain, they smile and carry on. God bless you and your family for loving and caring for one another. I pray you find your love one day soon and you have the family you desire. Not all women who give birth are mothers but I’m sure you will make an amazing one one day. Children love their mothers. The connection comes from the love and nurture you will provide, I imagine your children will be spoiled rotten with love. They will love you unconditionally. I pray this comes true for you.

  • Reply April 8, 2017

    Vicky

    Are all the non-supportive comments just edited out, Or were all the commenters actually positive, just wondering.

    • Reply May 25, 2017

      Emma McGowan

      We don’t allow for hateful comments on this site – but I’d say 95% have been positive, with the other 5% split between spam and assholes.

  • Reply April 10, 2017

    Riley B Harrington

    I think you nailed it all, I’m transgender male to female, 58 years old 6 months on hrt . I always 50 years, in 1983 started transition estrogen for 10 months and with no blockers , it was hell ! And the doctors didn’t have them back then. So 32 marred years latter , I’m doing it !! I give you you so much credit for doing this you have a whole lifetime look forward to .

  • Reply April 12, 2017

    Anonymous

    You are an inspiration to me and I was wondering what your instagram is so I could follow you?

  • Reply May 6, 2017

    Anthony

    You go, girl! You’re gonna be a great mother!

  • Reply May 20, 2017

    Samantha Atkins

    This article was great except it was too harsh on men that like TS women, pre-op and/or post-op. I am a post-op M2F (25 years post now). I had a very lovely boyfriend during transition and for some years after main surgery. He loved me, the woman I am, regardless of parts before or after.

    Also I love other transsexual women sexually and romantically. I turned out to be mainly lesbian on the other side. I think we are some of the most fascinating women and people on the planet.

    So I think there may be a bit of lingering internalized transphobia in there. It took a while but I don’t feel any shame over my journey or the stages along the way. It was “stuff”. Everyone has “stuff”. What does it have to do with now?

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