The days of long-distance lovers waiting with baited breath for airmail (or even email) have come and gone. Now we can Facetime on our phones and take high quality pics that blur out all the cellulite and make everyone look like a 1970s porn star. Long distance is not only more doable, it’s almost come to be expected due to the ease with which can stay in touch.
The main thing that’s still missing in any long distance relationship, however, is physical contact. No matter how many kissy face emoticons you send or how many times you say “I love you” while trying to stare lovingly into each other’s eyes through the computer cam (why is computer eye contact so hard?), it’s just not the same as a real hug or kiss or manual stimulation, is it?
I’ve written in the past about the app haptic technology, which allows long distance lovers to virtually “hug” and “kiss.” What I have for you today are two apps that add to the growing body of tech simulating the stimulation: Closer ToGetHer (note: hate the name) and Vibease.
Of these two apps, Closer ToGetHer is definitely the simpler one and the price ($4.99) reflects that. Um, let me correct that: if you want the app to work the way it’s supposed to, you have to buy one for yourself and one for your partner, so really it’s about ten bucks.
Once you’re both tuned in, it’s time to start turning on. One partner can send the other one vibrations that go directly to her cellphone. The vibe sending partner can adjust the intensity while the receiving partner gets down to business.
Here’s the obvious squick factor with this tool: your cellphone itself becomes a vibrator. I’m not a squeamish person, but even I was like, um… No. My phone (unlike my vibrator) is something that I have with me all the time, something my friends and family handle on the regular. It’s not something I can boil on my stove and then stick back in the bedside table and hope my three year old niece doesn’t feel like snooping.
But there’s an excellent solution! (You didn’t think I’d just leave you hanging, did you?)
If you’re willing to invest a little more cash (different models with different vibes range from $90 to $130), you can buy an OhMiBod vibrator, which then can be connected to your iPhone and will vibrate instead of your phone itself. Added bonus? The OhMiBod also can be synced with your iTunes, providing rocking vibes that go in time with your music. (The raver in me just died in an explosion of pink and neon happiness.)
If you’re choosing to go the Closer ToGetHer route (WITH the OhMiBod, for God’s sake, please) you have to either buy the OhMiBod app or the Closer ToGetHer app and then the actual vibrator.
Vibease, however, simplifies the process, letting you buy the synced vibrator and the accompanying app in one fell swoop ($79.99 for one vibrator or $149.99 for a pair). As this is another wireless vibe, you can be 100% in control of your own orgasm or let your partner control it remotely, from as close as across the dinner table or as far away as the other side of the world.
This app also lets you share “private photos” and “sweet talk,” which we all know are just unnecessary euphemisms for “dick pics” and “sexting.”
Speaking of euphemisms, I simultaneously love and hate the fact that the Vibease site refers to their vibrators as “personal massagers.” Did I hit my head and wake up sometime pre-Sex and the City? There’s something quaintly sweet about this old school term but really, Vibease? You have the word vibe in your name. We all know what you’re talking about.
I hope I never have to deal with the trials and tribulations of a boyfriend on the other side of the world, but the reality is that it’s probably going to happen at some point. When it does, you can bet that I’ll be jumping online and making my man go dutch on one of these products. Anything to make it work, right baby?